I think at some point in everyones life they feel lost – some for only a short time, others for a little longer. It’s ok, it’s normal and you’re not alone. To be honest, I can’t remember a time when i haven’t felt lost, nothing has ever made sense in my head and some times i can deal with that but other times, like right now, I can’t.
I have always believed that my purpose of being is to help others, it’s just hard to measure how well you are doing that at times. I am forever being told that my positivity is uplifting and inspiring, so I thought I would share it and I guess this way, being here, writing this, I can help a few more people.
The last six weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, I’ve spent a lot of it shut off from almost everyone and everything, emotionally and physically, trying to understand my thoughts.
The main subject my conscience has been battling with recently, is the loss of my dad. A loss is something very hard to deal with, under any circumstance. So many questions arise, so many thoughts. I realise now that there were a number of reasons as to why I did not explore my sentiments at the time of his death. I guess the main incentive was to stay strong for him, to make him proud, to show him that I could stand up to life and additionally I promised I would protect my siblings. A huge part was that I never really believed he was gone until more recently, numerous times throughout the week I would pick up my phone to update him on something funny that had happened, to quickly be reminded that there would be no response. Alongside all of this, I was determined to not let depression win.
Of course, as the year passed by, the depression hit. I could see the cracks appearing in the shell i had built up around myself back in May time but I just kept mentally taping them up. I removed myself from all situations that had any reminders of the time he was poorly and I tried to start fresh. It seemed to work for a short amount of time but more and more questions started filling my head. It wasn’t until a week before the anniversary of his death that I surrendered. I let it win. The last 6 weeks have been a blur.
(It’s tiring, thats all I can say. I couldn’t tell you the last time I slept a full night through.)
I was sitting on a train yesterday evening, the overwhelming silence surrounding me while every commuter scrolled viciously through their phones, alone with my thoughts (often a dangerous thing) when i decided to document my journey. I’m a reasonably open person, to a certain extent, and I find talking about my feelings and expressing my thoughts helps, even when it’s not myself I’m helping, knowing i’ve helped someone else because of my own experiences and advice is motivation to keep going.
So please, if you wish, join me.
Little by little, day by day.